Diablo Cody goes Hollywood on blogs

When I interviewed Diablo Cody back in November, she was still new to fame. The real rush from Juno hadn't hit yet. Her name was still only known to film geeks critics like me, and she was still starry-eyed from the prospect of being interviewed by awkward college students in the penthouse of a 5-star Chicago hotel. Now that Cody is a near-household name, she's faced the inevitable backlash from the very medium that made her famous. Surprisingly to me, she's proven to be rather thin-skinned:

I am not Charlie Kaufman or Sofia Coppola (much as I supplicate at their Cannes-weary feet.) I'm not Paul Thomas Anderson. I'm not even Paul W.S. Anderson. I am middle-class trash from the Midwest. I'm a competent nonfiction writer, an admittedly green screenwriter, and a product of Hollywood, USA. I am "Diablo Cody" and if you're not a fan, go rent Prospero's Books again and leave me the fuck alone.

I may have won 19 awards that you don't feel I earned, but it's neither original nor relevant to slag on Juno. Really. And you're not some bold, singular voice of dissent, You are exactly like everyone else in your zeitgeisty-demo-lifestyle pod. You are even like me. (I, too, loved Arrested Development! Aren't we a pretty pair of cultural mavericks? Hey, let's go bitch about how Black Kids are overrated!)

I'm sorry that while you were shooting your failed opus at Tisch, I was jamming toxic silicon toys up my ass for money. I get why you're bitter. I took exactly one film class in college and-- with the curious exception of the Douglas Sirk unit—it bored the shit out of me. I also once got busted for loudly crinkling a bag of Jujubes during a classroom screening of Vivre Sa Vie. I don't deserve to be here. We've established that. But I'm here. Five million 12-year-olds think I'm Buck Henry. Accept it.

(Incidentally, if you were me for one day you'd crumble like fucking Stilton. I am better at this than you. You're not strong enough, Film_Fan78. Trust me.)

I'm sorry to all those violent, semi-literate fanboys who hate me for befriending their heroes. I can't help it if your favorite writer, actor, director, or talk show host likes me. Maybe you would too, if we actually met.

I know my name is fake and that it annoys you. What, do you hate Queen Latifah and Rip Torn, too? Writers and entertainers have been using pseudonyms for years. Chances are, you're spewing bile under an assumed screen name yourself. I'm sorry if you think I'm like some inked-up quasi-Suicide Girl derby cunt from 2002, but I like my fake name. It's engraved on an Oscar. Yours isn't.

Listen: I've been telling stories my whole life. Even when I was a phone sex operator, I was the Mark Twain of extemporaneous jerk-off fiction. I took every perspiring creep on a fucking journey. I don't know how to do anything else.

I'm going to make more movies and shows. I doubt they'll all be good, but that's the nature of this life. Even though the public only knows me from one book, one movie, and several aborted blogs, I've spent the last few years hustling like Iceberg Slim out here to prove myself professionally. The people I currently work for, and with, are more than pleased with my post-Juno output. My pilot was so good (thanks, Toni Colette!) that it got picked up for series. That is rare, children. That is blue-rare.

In summation: you try it.

I'm not going to say Diablo Cody is righteous or a traitor to the blogosphere; if anything, she's one of the blogosphere's biggest success stories, and she's more than earned her right to say her piece. The blogosphere is certainly not perfect, either. I'm not even all that upset about the obvious ego and sense of elitism Cody has developed since her breakthrough.

What bothers me more is that Cody seems to be folding under the pressure of what seems to be relatively benign criticism on the Internet. Film_fan78 may crumble after one day as Diablo Cody, but I'm not sure Cody could survive for much longer as Lindsay Lohan or Mary-Kate Olsen. In terms of vehicles for snark on the blogosphere, Cody is pretty low on the totem pole. She should count her blessings for that.

Yet, it seems childish that she can't take the things people say about her on the Internet. What gets says there is probably what gets said by as many people (or more) in their living rooms. If you are in the public sphere, this comes with the territory. Cody was never a pure blogger—she only meant it as a launching point to her career. But you would think she'd develop an understanding for nature of the medium after a significant enough time on it. At least she's a good enough writer to not make any major spelling or grammar mistakes.

Diablo Cody - Hello Again! (Starring Shelly Long) [MySpace]